those girls-Conrad Vreeland

Those girls, photogenic replete with magazine smiles. We ignore them and walk on past as though they weren't there. Lest our ego's get shaken. I won't be tricked into caring just because they've got photo smiles that go on forever. We have our own smiles just as pretty. Thank you. So pretty it makes me want to throw up. Did you see those girls she says to me. Yeah i say. Fuck them, were they models you think. Fakes, just pretty rich co-eds. We agree on this. We tend to agree on little else though. You think you get to know someone so well then one day snap. I don't know what happened I try and ignore anything happened.As well does she. but right i think iam a genius or something because ive read alot of french books?. Alot of good that does me. Everyone looks at us. We ignore it we dont know what else to do. We've got low self-esteem and big egos with bad aditudes. We were both sexualized to early, abused to much as children. Whatever; I mean we were right but who's childhood didnt fuck them up. I don't wanna be that kid. So i try not to bring it up in conversation anymore. But it manages "it" pushes its way out. Who the fuck knows what to say to things like that. I impose my shit onto other people. I was imposed upon and iam trying to purge myself. Cant anybody see iam trying to rid myself of the cancer. Not perpetuate it. We walk on. We alternate between confidant and uncomfortably self-aware stances. People look at us. Everywhere we go people look at us. Its not just my imagination. I dont think anyway, its hard to tell. I think people look at us. I know people look at her. Everywhere we go people look at her. People think were anorexic, junkies(are we?). They give us cute-tragic narratives that i like more than my own. I like that these people think about me. I like it and i dont like it. It confuses me. Again with "it", It's confuse me. I dont know what to think. I try not to(and hence being narcotized). It doesnt work(like the drugs do). We walk on more people do or dont look at us. I pull my hair in my eyes so i can hide behind it like a shield so people cant hurt me. Strangers have hurt me before, whos to say it wont happen again so i hid behind my hair. She gets her jackie o prada glasses out of her chanel bag and puts them on. She doesnt want any strangers hurting her either. We let alot of strangers in though. We let them in with the expressed purpose of hurting us. Strangers hurt us, it happens. We like it and we dont like it. We dont say anything either way. When were home We look in the mirror together alot we point out our flaws to each other then the other one clicks their tongue on their teeth and notes how ridiculous that comment is. That the other is a fool, so beautiful. Each of us knows how ridiculous this game with the mirror is. But we like the way we can warp our self image. Maybe some stranger from the past noted that very same flaw being remarked on. With the mirror. When we play the mirror game. Daily I'd say. We play this game then we go and look for strangers with whom we can ignore or get hurt by. We like meterial things without depth. Things we can see right through, whether they'll hurt us or not. Thats why we like meterial things without depth. I like crazy people. People who are notably crazy. Really crazy not kind of i take prozac and im fourteen crazy. She doesnt like crazy people shes had enough and shes bored by crazy. Me i like crazy were settling together. Me,iam not crazy iam just middle class. Iam getting more acquainted with addiction,addiction seems to hold more appeal, its a more cognitive realization of release for me. Iam not condescending iam protecting myself. Anyway as addicted as we are we dont care if people stare at us , pills whatever drug is like hiding behind hair and sunglasses and whos to say which is better. We dont give a fuck anyway. We get moody and fight. We walk on further down the street past more people who'll stare at us. We will and wont mind. Itll confound us to pieces. This addiction i have a crush on hasnt hit yet not really anyway. Will it ever?
I have alot of self control. People dont necessarily equate my behaviour with self-control but i kind of doubt any real long term addiction. But this forward motion into addiction propels me towards more people who can hurt me. Hurt me even worse then these fat middle aged men. Theyre the ones who stare most. Theyre horny and they mistake me for a girl, then they see i have facial hair. They do and dont care. I like things that push me away and bring me closer. I dont like it when ideas are fully realized. Iam not a perfectionist. Iam a middle class slacker and i do what i want. Iam in therapy , shes not, she waits at the library while iam seeing Dr. brunner-orne. Dr.orne , thats what i call her i drop the brunner. She likes me i think weve made alot of progress in therapy. Ive realized i just want to be a junkie. Iam tired of fucking with strangers. She wont like this , she might call it some kind of regression. Ill never tell her about all this i dont want to hear any more logic. I like illogical things so does she we do illogical things together we interact with other people when were together and play a game act and lie for entertainment. Weve been deceitful in conversation with strangers in the past. I hate lying it just happens sometimes its to hard to dispel so i run with it. I hate lies and i hate lying, it happens. Were not liers though we only lie on accident